Pick me. Choose me. Love me
That was from ABC's "Grey's Anatomy" episode a few weeks ago when intern Meredith Grey desperately asked the handsome Dr. Derek Shepherd to choose her over his returning repentant adulteress wife.
It may sound melodratic but I realized that it does hit a common spot for any human being - the need to be needed.
We all yearn to be loved. We all need to know that there is someone on this earth who is our soulmate, who the Ying to our Yang. Being in love is such a wonderful feeling that anyone experiencing the excitement of a new romance exudes the radiant glow of happiness and has a twinkle in their eyes. People in love have a sing song kind of tone in their voices, and laughter is easy to come by. The world is a friendlier place when there is someone to weather the storms shoulder to shoulder with. Ah, all the many ways to describe the perfect love and yet such an elusive myth, this love.
In turn those who gamble shamelessly and jump head first into the depths of its passion tend to come out bruised and maimed. Very few have come out of it unscathed and they will tell you that it is only because they have mastered the art of distorting reality to suit the shape of romance.
It is a game I have played since I learned about love - in Grade 3 when Noel Ramos handed me my first Valentine's Day card in the schoolbus. It was a beautiful feeling until he eventually outgrew me before I outgrew him in Grade 4 so I ended up debuting into the pangs of a broken heart. And boy, was that was painful! I discovered that they called it broken heart because it felt hollow exactly where the heart is.
I survived my 'Noel Ramos syndrome' but was badly scarred for life. I have never really opened up to anyone enough to make them feel like I reciprocated their feelings fully. I always made sure that something else was my life priority - not seeking a husband or marriage. To most, I probably earned the title of being the sarcastic unfeeling witch who drained the love and life out of them.
I am now with someone who may turn out to be smarter than any of my past casualties. He is consistent about his feelings and ignores my mumbling doubts about the viability of what I had labelled our 'impossible relationship'. He is painfully honest about his feelings. He jolts me with admissions that he doesn't ask me questions because he fears it would open conflicts that would be difficult to resolve. And yet when we have time to linger on the telephone we dip our hands into the dirt and grime of our insecurities and disrobe our souls to each other. It is an uplifting feeling - to be honest with someone and to know that you are still accepted, loved, chosen.
Old dogs are hard to teach new tricks, however. I am still not comfortable about completely surrendering my heart and soul to someone for fear I would subject myself to hurt. In my head I create back-up scenarios of what to do in case one day I will find myself without him.
Deep inside I want this, I want him and I want what we have to last so badly I know I would just as well die if I lost something so beautiful this time around. How easy to say the words now but he will probably never hear it from me ever. My insecurities overwhelm me that what I have to offer may not be enough and that there is always the constant fear that he will find someone else who is prettier, taller, smarter, slimmer and more perfect. I am comforted by his love day to day, praying that he will continue to see me as he does - my flaws somehow invisible until forever.
Silently I am screaming: pick me, choose me, love me.
It may sound melodratic but I realized that it does hit a common spot for any human being - the need to be needed.
We all yearn to be loved. We all need to know that there is someone on this earth who is our soulmate, who the Ying to our Yang. Being in love is such a wonderful feeling that anyone experiencing the excitement of a new romance exudes the radiant glow of happiness and has a twinkle in their eyes. People in love have a sing song kind of tone in their voices, and laughter is easy to come by. The world is a friendlier place when there is someone to weather the storms shoulder to shoulder with. Ah, all the many ways to describe the perfect love and yet such an elusive myth, this love.
In turn those who gamble shamelessly and jump head first into the depths of its passion tend to come out bruised and maimed. Very few have come out of it unscathed and they will tell you that it is only because they have mastered the art of distorting reality to suit the shape of romance.
It is a game I have played since I learned about love - in Grade 3 when Noel Ramos handed me my first Valentine's Day card in the schoolbus. It was a beautiful feeling until he eventually outgrew me before I outgrew him in Grade 4 so I ended up debuting into the pangs of a broken heart. And boy, was that was painful! I discovered that they called it broken heart because it felt hollow exactly where the heart is.
I survived my 'Noel Ramos syndrome' but was badly scarred for life. I have never really opened up to anyone enough to make them feel like I reciprocated their feelings fully. I always made sure that something else was my life priority - not seeking a husband or marriage. To most, I probably earned the title of being the sarcastic unfeeling witch who drained the love and life out of them.
I am now with someone who may turn out to be smarter than any of my past casualties. He is consistent about his feelings and ignores my mumbling doubts about the viability of what I had labelled our 'impossible relationship'. He is painfully honest about his feelings. He jolts me with admissions that he doesn't ask me questions because he fears it would open conflicts that would be difficult to resolve. And yet when we have time to linger on the telephone we dip our hands into the dirt and grime of our insecurities and disrobe our souls to each other. It is an uplifting feeling - to be honest with someone and to know that you are still accepted, loved, chosen.
Old dogs are hard to teach new tricks, however. I am still not comfortable about completely surrendering my heart and soul to someone for fear I would subject myself to hurt. In my head I create back-up scenarios of what to do in case one day I will find myself without him.
Deep inside I want this, I want him and I want what we have to last so badly I know I would just as well die if I lost something so beautiful this time around. How easy to say the words now but he will probably never hear it from me ever. My insecurities overwhelm me that what I have to offer may not be enough and that there is always the constant fear that he will find someone else who is prettier, taller, smarter, slimmer and more perfect. I am comforted by his love day to day, praying that he will continue to see me as he does - my flaws somehow invisible until forever.
Silently I am screaming: pick me, choose me, love me.