Beyond Shiksa
In Christine Benvenuto’s book Shiksa, The Gentile Woman in the Jewish World, she tells the story of Marisa, a young Filipina and her first American boyfriend who is Jewish. They met in medical school in Manila and although they spent a lot of time together, he had made it clear that because he was Jewish and that she was a Filipina woman, there was nothing to be expected from their relationship because it “wouldn’t make the grade” with his parents. He notes that she was ‘beyond shiksa’.
Ms. Benvenuto then asks: When a gentile woman enters into a relationship with a Jew, how are the dynamics affected by her class, race and ethnicity? Can a convert who wears her otherness on her skin find a home in Judaism?
When I shared this with my Jewish friends they shrugged and noted that this was the ancient way of thinking. It is more relaxed now, they assured me. Ask someone who is in a relationship with a Jewish man and she will tell you that ‘nothing at all has changed’. There is still an aversion to intermarriage – evidenced by the refusal of many rabbi (even those from the less Orthodox stream) to officiate in such ceremonies. And the Jewish mother will continue to be non-accepting of her son’s gentile partner until she has been immersed in a mikvah.
I am Asian and there is no easy way to hide that fact; the same thing with my Christian faith, which I wear on my sleeve. I can relate to my Brazilian friend who, although is non-practicing still considers herself a Catholic. When she shares with me the horror stories of her relationship with her Jewish mother-in-law, it is not to seek my sympathy but to encourage me to steer away from the complicated.
I always say that it is difficult enough to find someone that you can get along with without putting the specifics into the picture. If I had met a man with whom I can share a mutually pleasant, stimulating and balanced relationship where there is equal respect and consideration, would I walk away simply because we worship in different ways? Isn’t there just one God, anyway? I probably wouldn’t. I definitely would stay. Especially if I know that the man sincerely loves me.
Would I convert? Maybe I would consider it but I do not know if I would find any sincerity in my decision if it were just to appease his side of the family. If I ever I would choose to be ‘in the same faith’ as him, I would think that it would be because that deep inside I would find myself believing that it gives me more peace than what I have now with my Catholicism.
In New York, which carries the next biggest population of Jews outside of Israel, a majority of Jews are more open to having inter-faith relationships. The Jewish Outreach Institute (JOI) notes that in 1990, there were already 720,000 interfaith married couples. It currently estimates about a million Jews married to non-Jews. It also noted that the rate of intermarriage was 52% (website here).
The old image of the tall, blonde and white Shiksa is now also the petite Asian or the sweet curvaceous Latina. Gentiles and goys (non-Jewish male) come in all shapes and forms and each one do find their place in the hearts of young Jews. Like my friend, many of them don’t lose sleep about not being accepted into the exclusivity of the Jewish social circle.
Ms. Benvenuto then asks: When a gentile woman enters into a relationship with a Jew, how are the dynamics affected by her class, race and ethnicity? Can a convert who wears her otherness on her skin find a home in Judaism?
When I shared this with my Jewish friends they shrugged and noted that this was the ancient way of thinking. It is more relaxed now, they assured me. Ask someone who is in a relationship with a Jewish man and she will tell you that ‘nothing at all has changed’. There is still an aversion to intermarriage – evidenced by the refusal of many rabbi (even those from the less Orthodox stream) to officiate in such ceremonies. And the Jewish mother will continue to be non-accepting of her son’s gentile partner until she has been immersed in a mikvah.
I am Asian and there is no easy way to hide that fact; the same thing with my Christian faith, which I wear on my sleeve. I can relate to my Brazilian friend who, although is non-practicing still considers herself a Catholic. When she shares with me the horror stories of her relationship with her Jewish mother-in-law, it is not to seek my sympathy but to encourage me to steer away from the complicated.
I always say that it is difficult enough to find someone that you can get along with without putting the specifics into the picture. If I had met a man with whom I can share a mutually pleasant, stimulating and balanced relationship where there is equal respect and consideration, would I walk away simply because we worship in different ways? Isn’t there just one God, anyway? I probably wouldn’t. I definitely would stay. Especially if I know that the man sincerely loves me.
Would I convert? Maybe I would consider it but I do not know if I would find any sincerity in my decision if it were just to appease his side of the family. If I ever I would choose to be ‘in the same faith’ as him, I would think that it would be because that deep inside I would find myself believing that it gives me more peace than what I have now with my Catholicism.
In New York, which carries the next biggest population of Jews outside of Israel, a majority of Jews are more open to having inter-faith relationships. The Jewish Outreach Institute (JOI) notes that in 1990, there were already 720,000 interfaith married couples. It currently estimates about a million Jews married to non-Jews. It also noted that the rate of intermarriage was 52% (website here).
The old image of the tall, blonde and white Shiksa is now also the petite Asian or the sweet curvaceous Latina. Gentiles and goys (non-Jewish male) come in all shapes and forms and each one do find their place in the hearts of young Jews. Like my friend, many of them don’t lose sleep about not being accepted into the exclusivity of the Jewish social circle.