Monday, June 14, 2010

Close Call

You know that when a sneeze is imminent but it is just holding off. Tears start to pool in your eyes, your nose flare, there is much anticipation, your breathing becomes shallow.

Or when the stretch of hot humid summer days have all living things yearning for a break. The earth starts to crack in its thirst. Trees start to look weary, almost surrendering to the punishing heat. In the city the streets feel as though it has started to heave steam through its asphalt roads.

And then the much awaited release. A huge sneeze. A heavy quenching downpour. Relief.

That was what it felt like to have my doctor give me a really dim prognosis after two routine exams came back with abnormalities. She scheduled me for a third exam, this time more radical - a do or die (yeah, a pun) check to confirm what the exams were showing. Coming from a family of medical professionals, I benefited from knowing what questions to ask. To some disadvantage, too, I guess because then I ended up finding out too much. And with further discussions I re-consult with Francis who helped me understand further what my options were.

On Friday, a week after a diagnostic surgery the doctor called and informed me that the results came out negative. Like a dam the tears broke - I cried like a baby. Well, acceptable considering I felt like I just got my life back. I called my boyfriend who had been through the punishing journey with me, himself ending up going through sympathetic symptoms brought about by the anxiety. He was overcome by emotions as well. I called Francis to give him the good news, informed my BFF, T (who went out with her hubby for drinks to celebrate) and the small circle of people who knew about the problem.

In the weeks with the dim possibilities looming over me I organized my life that if I got hit by a bus tomorrow my insurance, my pension fund, my living will, my will are all in place. My financials have never looked so good. In sadness I thought about what I could end up missing - seeing my daughter marry and have children, being able to travel to so many places I've always wanted to see but held off because 'I was too busy". It sounds overly dramatic now but faced with an impending uncertainty about your future, truly your life just flashes in front of your eyes.

A clean slate. This is a new life. I plan to not dwell on the things that do not matter. Yeah, work is just work now. A means to an end. I will definitely travel more (way more than before). I will do those sailing lessons and will bike all through summer (tho still not convinced I will do that to go to work). I will stop with a compulsive need to make everyone happy. Damn, I will make me happy. It's my turn!

The smile on my face all through the weekend and through today made people notice a new radiance. It's a new start. I will make the most of it.