Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Reflection

Winter had been long this year, almost endless.  It is mid-April and everyone on the East Coast of the continental United States is complaining that they still have their winter coats as part of their daily wardrobe.

Yesterday the rain poured unforgiving. It slew any hopes that warmer days would be approaching. The weight of the soaking and the winds split the huge tree at the corner and spilled its springtime blooms on the sidewalk.  It was scary. This morning I woke to the morning sunshine filtering into my apartment through windows that have been pleading for some Windex. When I stepped out for lunch it was still brisk but the sun was out and the skies were blue.

There is this scene in a Julia Roberts movie where Hugh Grant is walking the streets of London and the seasons catch up with him every ten or so steps.  My life feels that way sometimes - of time just quickly passing by. Soon it will be the scorching summer days and then the leaves will turn golden again and then Father Winter should not be far behind. Another birthday, another Thanksgiving, another Christmas and then another New Year.

Years pass, seasons come and go and there is no way of denying that I am getting older.  I feel it all the time - the impatience for the mundane becomes overwhelming. Yoga helps but when I get to my knees for a better angle for my pictures my knees scream. It is not the same. My eyesight is deteriorating and I blame the architectural drawings I work with daily. I observe the naivete of the young and shake my head knowing I have taken that journey before.  But all of this in stride I ask myself where I want to go. What do I want to do? What can I change now to make my life  happier? Everyone says I have a great life and yet I have some objections to that statement.

Sometime we think we stall in our decisions because we are too comfortable and too happy that we settle for the status quo.  Everyone dreams of a life in Manhattan, working for the world's greatest organization. I travel as I please to places I have once upon a time never even thought I could see beyond the pages of a book. I have great friends and people who truly care and love me. I have dreamed and I have lived some of it.  And I have also had some disappointments. Yet I acknowledge that until I am in full control of the world (which yes, I know I never will), there will always be disappointments. I've laughed more than I have cried. I have a smile on my face more often than I have a frown and yet there is something lacking.  But that is life. There always have to be a certain vacuum - a part missing because it pushes us to live life some more. To further fulfillment, to share, to grow, to learn, to cry, to laugh, to break and then to mend.

I look outside my window and gaze at another full moon. One more full moon, one more cycle of the earth. I feel blessed and grateful of this life. I am thankful.

New York, NY