Sunday, July 31, 2011

Writer's Block

It feels like I have been suffering from writer's block for the few years.  So many things in life has eclipsed the former yearning to just write, ponder and write.  These days I have been writing my thoughts through photographs.  My new art that I have been sharing to a few.  True, the artist is the biggest critic of himself.

Tomorrow, the first of August marks a major milestone.  I move out of the office that I have called my second family for the past 8 years.  Not out of absolute want, really.  In June I took a temporary promotion because "I am getting bored with all the demolition" in the renovation project.  It was too technical and the removal of the asbestos in the building prohibited my movements making me less able to photograph the progress of the project.  I was mostly stuck in the air-conditioned comfort of the office, pushing construction documents, attending design meetings and bridge-calling donors in Europe.  It was too clerical. I applied for other job vacancies and immediately got a temporary post to work with humanitarian staffing in the field. What excitement - new things to learn! Surge capacity, clusters, places with names I had to jot down so I could wikipedia it. Fun!

One week in the job and even more adventures came my way.  I was offered a real promotion within the same department but in another office.  Great, right? Humbly, I wanted to decline.  As humbly as I have declined three previous other offers for promotions.  Stupid, right? Yes, I heard you utter the words.

Work to me should be something I feel excited about when I wake up in the morning.  It has nothing to do with the remuneration nor is it just the relationships with the people in the office but the value of responsibility that my supervisors give me with confidence that I can manage them.  I had that at the renovation project.  I have proven my worth and everyone, including the Assistant Secretary-General have given me the appropriate acknowledgements. I need to be a part of it. I have turned down promotions because I am too lazy to start over with having people get to know me and what I can do. I fear the enemies that are unknown. Most of all, I fear failing if put in a different environment.  I fear losing myself.

I sought out opinions from my friends and the vote was unanimous.  It was time to leave the renovation project.  And so with an email, I accepted the job offer.

Tomorrow I will sit in a new desk.  I will meet new people, makes new friends, make new enemies.  Am I excited? Hard to tell.  There is anticipation for sure.  There is a feeling that I need to get this over and done with.

My writer's bloc? It is still up and at it.  But tonight my fingers sought the keyboard to sort out thoughts and put them on paper (or computer monitor).  My thoughts flowed freely, even as my words staggering. Getting over writer's block I realize has more to do with inspiration.  That walked out the door when the camera came in. I need to  introduce them to each other so they can mate and produce beautiful articles together.  That was my objective at the start.

I need to do things.

Southhamptons, New York