A Fear of Heights
Tonight, sitting across the table from Desiree at the diner, we talked about marriage and commitments. Would I see myself being with someone for the rest of my life and having more kids?
I have just had an immersion at domesticity in Ohio while spending the long weekend with Judith and Kevin. I have paused now and then to ask myself if I was ready to return to that state of long-term commitments. Sooner, not later would be the best time to begin contemplating on it as the world had not paused to when I was ready to contemplate.
Marriage, yes. I am definitely seeing myself married and growing old with someone. That is a given I have prepared myself for and hopefully, as I have said, it would be with someone who I not only love but respect as well. A life-long partner who sees me as an equal, who can share laughter with me and who can appreciate the differences in our cultures, if he should be from another part of the world.
Children? It's been a while since I have had nappy calls and burping sessions. Nicole is already at that age when she is ready to give me my first grandchild. But although I do love babies so much and I can work magic with them, I am afraid to start over again. The scare of a child running a fever, screaming and crying at the top of his lungs makes me feel helpless. To sit down to do homeworks, deal with school activities and go through teenage angst one more time seems too overwhelming for me at this stage. I have done that and though I cannot say it had been traumatic to raise a child like Nicole I will also say I am scared to test fate and realize I have found myself a child who is just like me when I was young.
Medically, I should still fall within the healthy pregnancy age range, specially here in the United States. On the other hand, it would be fun to have babies again. It should be easier now that I have been there and have had a great experience raising one.
Much as many people have raised kids in the city, I do not see MY children growing up in a cramped apartment. If I do decide to have another child, that baby would have to be the catalyst for me to give up my City Gurl lifestyle and engage a new life in the suburbs. A house with space to crawl, walk and run; trees in the backyard to climb and fall off from; lawns that would have the sprinklers running in the summer to run through.
A marriage, a family are serious thoughts of immense depths. From my shallow ground I couldn't help but ask myself if that kind of a commitment was something I could seriously grasp and keep hold of. I also know that the success of that endeavor is not solely in my hands but would rely also on the sense of responsibiity of that person I will choose to partner with to make this dream a reality. And call it supertitious but fate would have to be a main factor in that choice as well. We would have to be each other's soul mates. Sige, taasan ninyo ako ng kilay.
I used to fear permanency. I used to think life as I knew it would be enough to grow old on. I was making my own money, have a career, I already have a child, this is my life and seemed quite complete. Not anymore. These days, more now than before, I have begun to think of sharing a life with someone again. I might just be ready to jump off from my tower and run off with my prince into the sunset.
I used to have a fear of heights. I still do, can't stand the view from the 24th floor office I inhabit daily. But with life in general, I think I am ready to take the view at a different aspect. I may not have the heroics to jump alone but if someone will take my hand then maybe I could brave the height and take the plunge. You never know....
I have just had an immersion at domesticity in Ohio while spending the long weekend with Judith and Kevin. I have paused now and then to ask myself if I was ready to return to that state of long-term commitments. Sooner, not later would be the best time to begin contemplating on it as the world had not paused to when I was ready to contemplate.
Marriage, yes. I am definitely seeing myself married and growing old with someone. That is a given I have prepared myself for and hopefully, as I have said, it would be with someone who I not only love but respect as well. A life-long partner who sees me as an equal, who can share laughter with me and who can appreciate the differences in our cultures, if he should be from another part of the world.
Children? It's been a while since I have had nappy calls and burping sessions. Nicole is already at that age when she is ready to give me my first grandchild. But although I do love babies so much and I can work magic with them, I am afraid to start over again. The scare of a child running a fever, screaming and crying at the top of his lungs makes me feel helpless. To sit down to do homeworks, deal with school activities and go through teenage angst one more time seems too overwhelming for me at this stage. I have done that and though I cannot say it had been traumatic to raise a child like Nicole I will also say I am scared to test fate and realize I have found myself a child who is just like me when I was young.
Medically, I should still fall within the healthy pregnancy age range, specially here in the United States. On the other hand, it would be fun to have babies again. It should be easier now that I have been there and have had a great experience raising one.
Much as many people have raised kids in the city, I do not see MY children growing up in a cramped apartment. If I do decide to have another child, that baby would have to be the catalyst for me to give up my City Gurl lifestyle and engage a new life in the suburbs. A house with space to crawl, walk and run; trees in the backyard to climb and fall off from; lawns that would have the sprinklers running in the summer to run through.
A marriage, a family are serious thoughts of immense depths. From my shallow ground I couldn't help but ask myself if that kind of a commitment was something I could seriously grasp and keep hold of. I also know that the success of that endeavor is not solely in my hands but would rely also on the sense of responsibiity of that person I will choose to partner with to make this dream a reality. And call it supertitious but fate would have to be a main factor in that choice as well. We would have to be each other's soul mates. Sige, taasan ninyo ako ng kilay.
I used to fear permanency. I used to think life as I knew it would be enough to grow old on. I was making my own money, have a career, I already have a child, this is my life and seemed quite complete. Not anymore. These days, more now than before, I have begun to think of sharing a life with someone again. I might just be ready to jump off from my tower and run off with my prince into the sunset.
I used to have a fear of heights. I still do, can't stand the view from the 24th floor office I inhabit daily. But with life in general, I think I am ready to take the view at a different aspect. I may not have the heroics to jump alone but if someone will take my hand then maybe I could brave the height and take the plunge. You never know....