Mailbag ATBP

So, does it really work? On my blog entry a few weeks ago I asked if a relationship will work if there were no commitments, expectations or accountability weighing it down. A clarification though, it's not all about sex. A relationship when there is a reciprocity of respect, understanding, mutual and genuine love for each other. So what makes it from every other relationship around the corner? The exclusivity, the commitment and the responsibility for the relationship is present but not one that is insisted by the other.

I want a relationship where I will make myself available for someone when I want to. Call me and say hello but don't make a big drama if I am not able to answer the phone. And I will call back when I want to talk to you. Don't make me seek excuses why I wasn't where I was expected to be at a time you wanted me there. I am a grown girl, let me be responsible for myself. And from my end: I had always been democratic with my relationships. Do as you feel as long as you know your limitations and the lines that cut right and wrong. Kuha mo, dear?

That blog entry got a lot of replies and I am still waiting for some but this needs to be written already.

Ana agrees and observes that it is our pre-occupation and over-obsession with the future that gets in the way of us enjoying what we have on our life in the present tense. And what eventually dooms a relationship are the high expectations we have from each other which when not met eventually leaves us hurting and bitter. And then the relationship is never how it started.

The relationships that withstand many years of bliss are the ones where both have short term memories when it comes to each other's shortcomings. I am no romance authority myself but I can tell you that when I start hearing couples dig each other's past faults in front of their friends I can just feel the bite of suppressed anger in the air. Regardless if they pretend they are doing this in good humor.

On a man's point of a view, Joseph agrees that this is the perfect set-up. Unfortunately, unless he was meaning to find another man to have the relationship with, there seems to be no one else willing to stay on this framework for a relationship very long. Of course when you're just starting a romance all women will sy they're perfectly OK with no pressure. That they're fine with a light romance, and they are not stalkers. Then he concludes all women end up to be the same: scheming, dramatic, manipulative and fiery (sige nga girls, react!). He even went as far as daring me to answer honestly as I could if I would be able to keep a relationship at this 'non-complicated' level. Ah, ummm, ahhhh.... (but I have a special love for this guy).

Bu brings it to the cultural level. She concludes that perhaps it might work with some people but for Pinays, we want the assurance. It is because commitment nurtures thats what makes it the relationship worth it. It feels good to have someone assure us that they love us despite and inspite of us.

Mas emotional nga ba ang mga Pinoy? I will reply by telling you that the Pinoy man has more drama.  Some Europeans and Americans are more upfront, more daring with showing their affection without fear of rejection. I mean, my boyfriend is actually shy but when he was stilll courting he put on all the works when he knew (or thought) I wasn't even interested. To him, he'd woo and if he lost then he'll just move on. He is emotional sans the drama. We don't have to create conflicts to spice up what we have. Syempre di niya alam kung anong ginagawa ko dito sa New York hehehehe.

He of course refused to comment on the whole scenario other than emphasize that a real relationship required long-term everything which is synonymous to commitment. For him, if it is the real thing then both of you plan for your individual lives taking the other into account.  To him, that goes to the minutest details such as the renewal of the lease of my apartment or his work. I let him do that and assume he finds amusement/entertainment in it.

A man's point of view is always surprising, though. Casually discussing it, a friend who refuses to be named said he'd play it light for a while until he's sure that he has found a girl who'd be good enough to meet mom and then usually he'd be the one to insist on exclusivity. And this all-American guy also wants to set the rules. No, a girl should have the freedom to do what she wants to do with her life socially but he expects her to be responsible enough to at least let him know if she'd be home or out. Part of the respect is concern for each other's feelings and sensitivity to each other's insecurities. A point well taken.

Rose's email was more dismissive. "With your deadma moods and yung irap mo," I'm sure you keep the boys at bay. And then she recounts this hand-sama guy from work before who emailed me anonymously for weeks and I was so overhelmed and flattered. I found out eventually and I let him have his fun by not reacting. I freaked out however when one day I realized he had put my drive on share mode and that he was accessing my files from his station! And I had been unforgiving. Now ask me how that fits in to this topic and I'll tell you, I'm rambling again.

I guess there is no surefire formula for a perfect relationship. Each couple have their own scenarios that work best for them. Commitment is part and parcel of a long term relationship.  It is tedious and it is hard work but it shouldn't be a jail sentence. If the relationship is about fulfilling demands imposed by one or both then it is less fun and less worthwhile to live for. It should be acceptability of the fact that the other is not perfect and that no one can fit into the mold of perfection we had set for an ideal partner. There is no such thing as an ideal partner. Even princes and princesses outside of the fairytales we grew up with all turn out to be frogs eventually (look at Charles!).

If you ask me, I still wish there was a way to prolong that initial thrill of a new relationship. I think enjoy the dating period so much when there is so much kilig, so much romance. I like it when you're trying to outdo each other in being pleasant and perfect. I like courtship and how the man will put you on a pedestal and almost say YES to all that you ask for. When men aren't so comfortable yet that they automatically switch the TV to their favorite games without regard for my TV watching preference.

Seems the life of this period of walking on air and having your head in the clouds is max 6 months. Except with a Pinoy where it is shorter (hehehehe). I wish women, including mysellf would stop obsessing about men's intentions and stop over-analyzing their statements and actions (oh, yes...umamin, we do that!!!).  That way we don't put so much twist on the simple acts of romance or double up on a benign snotty statement made out of context from a bad mood totally unrelated and undirected to us.

Relationships that get comfortable in time however have the feel of coming home to something warm and familiar. Like an old favorite shirt that you just keep wearing kasi it feels good. I actually also like being myself, not having to put on a mask of perfection. Like hanging out with each other in silence, me working on my blog and he finishing work on his own notebook in the same room. To glance at each other once in a while to acknowledge each other's presence and then continue with what you are doing. This is the kind of quality time that is in the peripheral of a long term commitment but beyond the courtship.

So what now? Does it work? The initial feel-good felling becomes addictive and you end up  wanting more. It evolves and in the long term becomes the standard run of the mill relationship with all the bad and good packaged with it. The downside is it also makes you possessive - in wanting to keep this 'good' to yourself. That is where the evils are born. But it is human, like what Bu also observed. The non-committal premise is the excuse of the person who is not sure if what she has is what she wants. When the certainty sets in, old new rules are installed.

A relationship will always have commitment, responsibility and accountability regardless if it is romantic, of a parent and a child, a worker and his job or me and this blog.

Life...parang buhay. Haaaay....

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