3X5

It's Sunday morning. I slept through til 7AM until Jiji called asking me what I wanted to do. Told her I've not had much since yesterday. Been alone. The friends have their own agenda. I cleaned the apartment yesterday, did the lousy chore of laundrying and met a new girl from the apartment who has the same rants as I do. She's returning home to Israel end of the month for good, though. She had been in the city for more than 6 years. Another possible friend leaving the city. Oh well..

We have been having great weather, not humid, light cool breeze and lots of sunshine. One of those rare spring days we didn't have last year at all when it remained wintry and rainy during the weekends.

Yesterday morning I checked online and decided to see the street fair on Second Avenue. I took the bus from Lex and got off 14th Street and then walked up til it ended on 23rd. I had my camera with me but I didn't feel like taking pictures. These are the same stalls we saw last year anyway. Same oily Italian sausages, watered down lemonades and cold spring rolls. I wandered aimlessly, seeking out something that wasn't in any of the white tents. An Asian man smiled at me and asked if he could help me find what I was looking for. He had some leaflets that he was giving out. I smiled back and shrugged.

I have no idea what I am looking for. I don't even know if I have it already.

He smiled back and I think we understood each other. We probably have the same life - in a box.

All Mondays I would send you pictures so you would somehow share with me my weekends. The walks in the park, the spring flowers bursting, children playing, dogs wagging back at me. This weekend I have become camera weary.

My images do not capture the photographer's emotions. When I sent you colorful boats on the pond in Central Park you had imagined my playfulness, laughing with the children, sitting on the benches and raving about spring and the city and life. I didn't. I took the photo and sat on the bench and watched the children and sought for the laughter from deep inside of me. I dug deep and low and it hid in the shadows. I had to move aside the huge chunk of ache of loneliness that kept getting in the way. I then got up and moved on. That is life is all about anyways, getting up and moving on.

There are no 3x5's in the mail tomorrow. Maybe if I withhold the images, you will miss them and the vignettes of the city that I have continuously supplied to you by long distance. Maybe I can get you to hop on a plane to see for yourself, immerse in the paced lifestyle, bask in the early arrival of summer and watch people passing by, from a bench on the park at 47th just across from the church.


You'll be with me next time I go outside
NO more 3x5's
I guess you had to be there
I guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3x5's
just no more 3x5's


3x5 John Mayer from the album Room for Squares

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