EMAIL: Pinoy Jokes from Jong
I got these today from Jong this morning and he literally sent me to the floor rolling in laughter. Enjoy...
1. NAP GUTIERREZ INTERVIEWING MANILYN REYNES IN MOVIE MAGAZINE
NAP: Saan ka movie outfit nakakontrata?
MANILYN: So far, hindi ko naman pinoproblema ang mga wardrobes ko kasi
ex-deal naman eh.
2. JULLIE YAP DAZA GUESTING ON VILMA!
JULLIE: O Vi nag-guest na ko dito sa show. Ikaw,kailan ka naman magge-guest sa show ko?
VILMA : Alam mo naman Tita Jullie, busy kami ni Ralph sa pag-a-arrange ng kasal namin. Siguro pagkatapos na lang ng marriage!
3. If I were to compare the stars of my era with the star discoveries of Dr. Rey delaCruz,it would be like placing the Taj Majal of India side by side with a Volkswagen. * CELIA RODRIGUEZ
4. RITA GOMEZ AS A JUDGE IN A BB. PILIPINAS PAGEANT, ASKING A CANDIDATE A QUESTION DURING THE Q AND A (CANDIDATE INCIDENTALLY IS MARIA ISABEL LOPEZ)
RITA: Here's your question, hija: Are you still a virgin?
MARIA ISABEL: If I say I still am, can I bring home the crown tonight?
RITA: Good answer!
MARIA ISABEL: What about you Ma'am, are you still a virgin?
RITA: Hija I have 5 children with 5 different fathers,what do you call that, Immaculate Conception???
5. Ang ganda ng gospel number na yon, napaka-enlighting. Teka magpupunas lang ako, I'm sweatening.*VILMA SANTOS
6. Thank you, Lucky for the flowers...where did they came from? *VILMA SANTOS
7. Being Miss Universe is like having a birthstone, you may lose it. Being a Filipina is like having a birthmark, it's forever. *MARGIE MORAN DURING THE Q AND A PORTION OF THE 1973 MISS UNIVERSE, ASKED WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING MISS UNIVERSE AND BEING A FILIPINA
8. Salamat po sa Board of Judges. Ito na ho yata ang pinakamaligaya kong pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat. * MELANIE MARQUEZ'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR WINNING BEST ACTRESS IN A METRO FILMFEST
9. Successful naman ang libing ng nanay ko. *BABETTE VILLARUEL
10. "Sa tingin ko ang pinaka-asset ko sa mukha ko ay ugali!Mabait kasi ako eh" *MR. POGI CONTESTANT'S ANSWER TO THE QUESTION: ANO SA MUKHA MO ANG PINAKA-ASSET MO?
11. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Ma. Rosario Liboon, I come from the beautiful city of Pangasinan...City! *SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT
12. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Carmelita HErnandez, I come from Pasay City and I want to be a medicine! *ANOTHER SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT DURING THE PARADE OF CONTESTANTS
13. BOY A: O Melanie, do you have any message to your mother-in-law in case nanonood siya ngayon!
MELANIE: You know what Kuya Boy, I have to speak in English cause she cannot understand Tagalog. "You know what Mrs. Dee...I've long been wanting to tell you this... Ang labo mo!"
14. EDU: So who's to blame?
VILMA: Excuse me, it's not my fault anymore. It's your fault anymore!
15. OVERHEARD FROM A GIRL NA GALIT SA KARARATING NA BOYFRIEND SA STARBUCKS.
GIRL : My God you're so late. Where did you...Where have you...Where do you... saan ka ba galing???
16. HOST : WHICH DO YOU PREFER: BLONDE OR DUMB?
GIRL : DUMB NA LANG AT LEAST HINDI AKO MAPAGKAKAMALANG BLONDE!
17.DESSA AFTER SINGING A SPOT NUMBER IN A REGINE VELASQUEZ CONCERT. DESSA APPARENTLY SANG A VERY VOCALLY CHALLENGING SONG AND AS EXPECTED, ENDED IT WITH A THROAT BREAKING NOTE. REGINE ENTERS.
DESSA : O kala mo ikaw lang ang mataas ang boses.Kaya mo yun?
REGINE : Eh ano ngayon, maganda ka ba?
18. SABRINA M. MAKES TARAY TO OSANG IN A TALK SHOW.
SABRINA M: At least hindi naman ako katulad ng iba diyan na retokado ang boobs.
OSANG : Hoy Sabrina, oo nga itong boobs ko retokado. Pero at least ang ngipin ko hindi pustiso tulad ng sa yo! Ooops huwag kang magagalit baka malaglag yan sa sahig!
19. "I am inviting all the televiewers to watch our movie "14 Going Steady" on the twenty-twoth of November...." (HAY NAKU, O SIYA....) -Nadia Montenegro
20. "Sana po'y panoorin natin ang The Life Story Of Julie Vega...alam kong masaya si Julie ngayon dahil it's just around the corner. (GAWIN DAW BANG CHRISTMAS SPIRIT SI JULIE?) -Nadia Montenegro
21. "I am not an addict. I am the victims!" (WALA TALAGA SIYANG
PAGOD,NO?)-Melanie Marquez
22. Host: "Ano ba ang pinaka-favorite mong movie lately, Melanie?"
Melanie:"Maganda yung kay Emma Thompson at Kate Winslet, yung "Simple and Simplicity"? It's supposed to be Sense and Sensibility
23. "Magandang Tanghali po, ako po si Luzviminda Cortez mula sa Camarines Sur, sumalangit na po ang inyong kaluluwa!" -Miss Gay Philippines candidate during the parade of candidates
Bb. Filipina contestant was asked by Apa Ongpin which of the five senses she could do without, she answered "my eyes." Apa asked, why her eyes? She replied, "Because I've got beautiful eyes." (with matching sultry look)
When asked what place in the Philippines she would boast about, Calendar girl contestant replied: "Bocaue" Intrigued hosts ask, "What about Bocaue? What's in it to boast about?" Girl replied: "Why, the Bocaue rice terraces of course."
A reporter complimented Mark Anthony Fernandez: "Mark Anthony, ang cute cute mo, you've got rosy cheeks just like your mom!" To which he replied: "Syempre, it runs to the blood e."
1. melanie marquez and boy abunda:
boy: o melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong nagmo-mormon ka na?
melanie: a okay lang yan boy kasi matagal na rin akong semi-retarded.
2. super sireyna contest:
emcee: anong masasabi mo sa death penalty?
bading: a ano po yun toot por toot, eye por eye.
emcee: paki-eksplika nga?
bading: ganito po yun: kung pinatay mo ang nanay ko, dapat, patayin din ang nanay mo!
3. little miss phiippines contest
emcee: anong gusto mong maging paglaki mo? little miss contestant: maging lalaki po.
4. mr. world philippines contest
emcee: what do you think should a man possess to be successful?
contestant: i think, that for a man to be successful, he should be a responsible, because if he should not be a responsible, he will not have a successful. that is all. i thank you.
5. kuya germs, interviewing the boygroup, 98 degrees
kuya germs: are you already married?
98 member: no, i'm still single.
kuya: WOW! imagine that! what a koynseedense! three years ago, you are here, you are single. i am here, i am single. now, three years after, you are still here, you are still single. i am still here, i am still single! it's anbeeleebabol!
6. hetero talent scout, sighting a super gorgeous girl, and trying to score points
talent scout: excuse me. are you a commercial? (after five milliseconds and realizing booboo)..model?
the weird part of this story is that, kumagat ang girl. at magsyota na sila ni mr. booboo. baka mas malala pa ingles ni girl kasi.
7. leonardo litton and rodel velayo, guesting on keep on dancing
charlene gonzales: hi leonardo, hi rodel, welcome to keep on dancing!
leonardo litton: welcome din po!
Alma Moreno wrapping up the conversation with guest Joey Albert in her now defunct show Rated A. Joey de Leon was the co-host.
Alma: So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt.
Joey de leon : Ness naman eh, kaya tayo pinagtatawanan eh, University Belt
Eto bloopers sa now defunct game show na GoBingo!
Question: Saan sinusuot ang basketball jersey?
Answer: Sa paa
Question: Anung Nationality ng sanggol na may amang Filipino Catholic at Protestanteng Ina?
Answer: American
Question: Ano ang ginagamit ng mga Eskimo sa halikan?
Answer: Dila
Question: Ilan ang paa ng pilay na pusa?
Answer: Tatlo
Question: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube, pero tinatawag ng iba na boob tube. Ano ito?
Answer: Bra
Question: Anong bukol ang makikita sa leeg ng mga lalaki
Answer: Kiss mark
Question: Ano sa Tagalog ang asul?
Answer: Blue
Question: May dalawang baboy sa kulungan. Tumalon ang isa. Ilan ang paa ng isang baboy?
Answer: Dalawa pa rin
Question: Sa anong bansa nakatira ang mga Hindu?
Answer: Hindunesia
Question: Ano ang isinusuot ng taong walang buhok?
Answer: Kalbo
Question: Ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?
Answer: Sunog
Question: Para saan ang anti-dandruff shampoo?
Answer: Kuto
Question: Kung manicure sa kamay, ano ang sa paa?
Answer: Kuko
Question: Ano ang nasa gitna ng donut? Answer: Palaman
Question: What is the capital of the Philippines?
Answer: P
1. NAP GUTIERREZ INTERVIEWING MANILYN REYNES IN MOVIE MAGAZINE
NAP: Saan ka movie outfit nakakontrata?
MANILYN: So far, hindi ko naman pinoproblema ang mga wardrobes ko kasi
ex-deal naman eh.
2. JULLIE YAP DAZA GUESTING ON VILMA!
JULLIE: O Vi nag-guest na ko dito sa show. Ikaw,kailan ka naman magge-guest sa show ko?
VILMA : Alam mo naman Tita Jullie, busy kami ni Ralph sa pag-a-arrange ng kasal namin. Siguro pagkatapos na lang ng marriage!
3. If I were to compare the stars of my era with the star discoveries of Dr. Rey delaCruz,it would be like placing the Taj Majal of India side by side with a Volkswagen. * CELIA RODRIGUEZ
4. RITA GOMEZ AS A JUDGE IN A BB. PILIPINAS PAGEANT, ASKING A CANDIDATE A QUESTION DURING THE Q AND A (CANDIDATE INCIDENTALLY IS MARIA ISABEL LOPEZ)
RITA: Here's your question, hija: Are you still a virgin?
MARIA ISABEL: If I say I still am, can I bring home the crown tonight?
RITA: Good answer!
MARIA ISABEL: What about you Ma'am, are you still a virgin?
RITA: Hija I have 5 children with 5 different fathers,what do you call that, Immaculate Conception???
5. Ang ganda ng gospel number na yon, napaka-enlighting. Teka magpupunas lang ako, I'm sweatening.*VILMA SANTOS
6. Thank you, Lucky for the flowers...where did they came from? *VILMA SANTOS
7. Being Miss Universe is like having a birthstone, you may lose it. Being a Filipina is like having a birthmark, it's forever. *MARGIE MORAN DURING THE Q AND A PORTION OF THE 1973 MISS UNIVERSE, ASKED WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING MISS UNIVERSE AND BEING A FILIPINA
8. Salamat po sa Board of Judges. Ito na ho yata ang pinakamaligaya kong pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat. * MELANIE MARQUEZ'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR WINNING BEST ACTRESS IN A METRO FILMFEST
9. Successful naman ang libing ng nanay ko. *BABETTE VILLARUEL
10. "Sa tingin ko ang pinaka-asset ko sa mukha ko ay ugali!Mabait kasi ako eh" *MR. POGI CONTESTANT'S ANSWER TO THE QUESTION: ANO SA MUKHA MO ANG PINAKA-ASSET MO?
11. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Ma. Rosario Liboon, I come from the beautiful city of Pangasinan...City! *SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT
12. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Carmelita HErnandez, I come from Pasay City and I want to be a medicine! *ANOTHER SHE'S GOT THE LOOK CONTESTANT DURING THE PARADE OF CONTESTANTS
13. BOY A: O Melanie, do you have any message to your mother-in-law in case nanonood siya ngayon!
MELANIE: You know what Kuya Boy, I have to speak in English cause she cannot understand Tagalog. "You know what Mrs. Dee...I've long been wanting to tell you this... Ang labo mo!"
14. EDU: So who's to blame?
VILMA: Excuse me, it's not my fault anymore. It's your fault anymore!
15. OVERHEARD FROM A GIRL NA GALIT SA KARARATING NA BOYFRIEND SA STARBUCKS.
GIRL : My God you're so late. Where did you...Where have you...Where do you... saan ka ba galing???
16. HOST : WHICH DO YOU PREFER: BLONDE OR DUMB?
GIRL : DUMB NA LANG AT LEAST HINDI AKO MAPAGKAKAMALANG BLONDE!
17.DESSA AFTER SINGING A SPOT NUMBER IN A REGINE VELASQUEZ CONCERT. DESSA APPARENTLY SANG A VERY VOCALLY CHALLENGING SONG AND AS EXPECTED, ENDED IT WITH A THROAT BREAKING NOTE. REGINE ENTERS.
DESSA : O kala mo ikaw lang ang mataas ang boses.Kaya mo yun?
REGINE : Eh ano ngayon, maganda ka ba?
18. SABRINA M. MAKES TARAY TO OSANG IN A TALK SHOW.
SABRINA M: At least hindi naman ako katulad ng iba diyan na retokado ang boobs.
OSANG : Hoy Sabrina, oo nga itong boobs ko retokado. Pero at least ang ngipin ko hindi pustiso tulad ng sa yo! Ooops huwag kang magagalit baka malaglag yan sa sahig!
19. "I am inviting all the televiewers to watch our movie "14 Going Steady" on the twenty-twoth of November...." (HAY NAKU, O SIYA....) -Nadia Montenegro
20. "Sana po'y panoorin natin ang The Life Story Of Julie Vega...alam kong masaya si Julie ngayon dahil it's just around the corner. (GAWIN DAW BANG CHRISTMAS SPIRIT SI JULIE?) -Nadia Montenegro
21. "I am not an addict. I am the victims!" (WALA TALAGA SIYANG
PAGOD,NO?)-Melanie Marquez
22. Host: "Ano ba ang pinaka-favorite mong movie lately, Melanie?"
Melanie:"Maganda yung kay Emma Thompson at Kate Winslet, yung "Simple and Simplicity"? It's supposed to be Sense and Sensibility
23. "Magandang Tanghali po, ako po si Luzviminda Cortez mula sa Camarines Sur, sumalangit na po ang inyong kaluluwa!" -Miss Gay Philippines candidate during the parade of candidates
Bb. Filipina contestant was asked by Apa Ongpin which of the five senses she could do without, she answered "my eyes." Apa asked, why her eyes? She replied, "Because I've got beautiful eyes." (with matching sultry look)
When asked what place in the Philippines she would boast about, Calendar girl contestant replied: "Bocaue" Intrigued hosts ask, "What about Bocaue? What's in it to boast about?" Girl replied: "Why, the Bocaue rice terraces of course."
A reporter complimented Mark Anthony Fernandez: "Mark Anthony, ang cute cute mo, you've got rosy cheeks just like your mom!" To which he replied: "Syempre, it runs to the blood e."
1. melanie marquez and boy abunda:
boy: o melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong nagmo-mormon ka na?
melanie: a okay lang yan boy kasi matagal na rin akong semi-retarded.
2. super sireyna contest:
emcee: anong masasabi mo sa death penalty?
bading: a ano po yun toot por toot, eye por eye.
emcee: paki-eksplika nga?
bading: ganito po yun: kung pinatay mo ang nanay ko, dapat, patayin din ang nanay mo!
3. little miss phiippines contest
emcee: anong gusto mong maging paglaki mo? little miss contestant: maging lalaki po.
4. mr. world philippines contest
emcee: what do you think should a man possess to be successful?
contestant: i think, that for a man to be successful, he should be a responsible, because if he should not be a responsible, he will not have a successful. that is all. i thank you.
5. kuya germs, interviewing the boygroup, 98 degrees
kuya germs: are you already married?
98 member: no, i'm still single.
kuya: WOW! imagine that! what a koynseedense! three years ago, you are here, you are single. i am here, i am single. now, three years after, you are still here, you are still single. i am still here, i am still single! it's anbeeleebabol!
6. hetero talent scout, sighting a super gorgeous girl, and trying to score points
talent scout: excuse me. are you a commercial? (after five milliseconds and realizing booboo)..model?
the weird part of this story is that, kumagat ang girl. at magsyota na sila ni mr. booboo. baka mas malala pa ingles ni girl kasi.
7. leonardo litton and rodel velayo, guesting on keep on dancing
charlene gonzales: hi leonardo, hi rodel, welcome to keep on dancing!
leonardo litton: welcome din po!
Alma Moreno wrapping up the conversation with guest Joey Albert in her now defunct show Rated A. Joey de Leon was the co-host.
Alma: So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt.
Joey de leon : Ness naman eh, kaya tayo pinagtatawanan eh, University Belt
Eto bloopers sa now defunct game show na GoBingo!
Question: Saan sinusuot ang basketball jersey?
Answer: Sa paa
Question: Anung Nationality ng sanggol na may amang Filipino Catholic at Protestanteng Ina?
Answer: American
Question: Ano ang ginagamit ng mga Eskimo sa halikan?
Answer: Dila
Question: Ilan ang paa ng pilay na pusa?
Answer: Tatlo
Question: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube, pero tinatawag ng iba na boob tube. Ano ito?
Answer: Bra
Question: Anong bukol ang makikita sa leeg ng mga lalaki
Answer: Kiss mark
Question: Ano sa Tagalog ang asul?
Answer: Blue
Question: May dalawang baboy sa kulungan. Tumalon ang isa. Ilan ang paa ng isang baboy?
Answer: Dalawa pa rin
Question: Sa anong bansa nakatira ang mga Hindu?
Answer: Hindunesia
Question: Ano ang isinusuot ng taong walang buhok?
Answer: Kalbo
Question: Ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?
Answer: Sunog
Question: Para saan ang anti-dandruff shampoo?
Answer: Kuto
Question: Kung manicure sa kamay, ano ang sa paa?
Answer: Kuko
Question: Ano ang nasa gitna ng donut? Answer: Palaman
Question: What is the capital of the Philippines?
Answer: P